With the year drawing to a close, I have the perfect excuse to write a 2014 in review post. So I shall.
Truth be told, I've almost forgotten about this little blog. You could say it was an accident that I even remembered that I had one. School is ever so consistent with its demands; distractions are always only an arms' width away; and I am perpetually lazy to finish what I set out in doing.
Whatever the case, I am back (at least for now). And as with everything old I chance upon, I could not help but re-examine this blog. I am both laughing and horrified at my old posts - the old me - who tried too hard to make herself bigger than she seemed. Especially that first post, my goodness. I want to crawl inside a hole. I am tempted edit it even though I know I shouldn't as to keep the essence of what a blog should be. But - right here, right now - I am telling you, my dear reader, that I cannot promise that I will never tamper with it //cries
And I suppose the title of this blog is an ode to that:
First, a eulogy to my old self who was overbearing with the use of big words and odd sentence patterns: She had been self-important and vain in a way that tried too hard to say she was not. While most people don't say this in funerals, I will say this: I am so glad you're my past already. I hope you stay buried.
Perhaps I am being too mean. But most likely than not, I will end up judging myself like this at the same time, next year. Even though it seems scary (and I suppose it is), I also find it amazing. How big of a difference time can make! It's the same nostalgia I get from seeing one of my past crushes talks to me. When back then I would have been melting in my shoes from giddiness, now I would talk to them at the strange comfort of being nothing more than friends. I mean really, I am so happy that we're just friends!
The transition from one state to another is a blur but the difference between the two is everything but. It's such a stark contrast, but it's not unwelcome. This coming from someone who is deathly afraid of the future. Or perhaps I should say was.
Although I can't remember all the details that were during the year, I can say that I have learned to embrace change. Little by little. I cannot define what kind of year 2014 had been to me but I think that's exactly what it should be. It is about transition and change and growing up.
So here goes the second half of my eulogy:
To 2014,
This year I started this blog.
This year I learned to step out of my comfort zone.
This year I signed up for responsibilities that I thought I didn't have the strength for.
This year I made friends with people from my college block. Before, I had none.
This year I confessed to the boy I had been so deeply infatuated with that I still feel the sting of the scar he left me. I learned to look at him in the eyes since then.
This year I was confessed to by a boy I had believed would be the one - but only in a parallel universe.
This year I turned down a boy who probably already loves me. Whom I probably love. Too little or too much, I cannot say. (It's a work in progress).
This year I struggled with so many insecurities, so many fears, and so much happiness.
This year has been unexpectedly great and trying; and I am grateful.
As I grow older and the years wash over me, I may forget how pivotal this year has been to me. Like footprints in the sand, the details will vanish amongst the waves. But even still, I like to think that I would at least keep the image of the sun and the sea of those days.
